two great movies in under 24 hours

i love it.

and i now have a super huge spock crush. i can only see this going in good directions.
zachary quinto~

...

now i just want to listen to right away, great captain while i think and reflect on my life. i also want to read john keats poems and interpret them.

who knows

sometimes you can watch a movie and it really gets to you. 500 days of summer did just that. i'm so emotionally confused and touched. i can relate to it and it hurts. i guess the movie did its job. kudos.

meh

i talked to row tonight and he sent me some of his poems. they were all pretty depressing but i enjoyed them nonetheless. it made me want to write but i was unsure what to write about. our conversation ended with him saying "cheers" instead of goodnight and then i thought of this:

to memories and experiences, happy and sad
to loves in my life i'll have and have had
i raise my glass high in the air
a night like tonight, for me, is not rare
a night full of laughter and unspeakable feelings
a night full of sobs and detestable reelings
it isn't filled with family and friends
it's merely to reflect and so often it mends
i down the shot mixed of whiskey and rum
and let the foul taste burn my throat and my toungue
i'll fall asleep alone tonight
and in the morning let bitter loneliness bite
maybe tomorrow i'll do this again
in fact i know my demons will win
ill come home from work and feel like shit
then decide to see how drunk i can get
the temporary relief is just enough
to keep me going when life gets rough
cheers

ugh

fuccccccckkkkkkkkkk

octoberfest in my head

always get real excited this time of year. it is my favorite. the weather, the smell, the festivities. i think everyone's spirits grow just a little when they walk outside the first day it starts to cool down and just take a deep breath in. i feel like i should exercise this month or go to the park and play frisbee. i dont want to let this year slip by as i sit on the computer and blog ( no offense self...). estimated twelve days until i see my future husband. he is one of the reasons this year is so special and i need to make this year end remarkably. i want to spend every holiday with him but i know i can't take that many of them off from work so i am looking forward to one very important one. you'd think it was christmas, right? nope. of course i love christmas and it is important but i'm think more along the lines of new years. i want to start off my new year the way i want to start off every new year for the rest of my life... with shawn. well i guess i'm off to sleep. <33

as poetic as my life gets

so i mentioned in my last post that going from the beginning of spetember to the middle of october would be berable. FUCKING WRONG. i so heavily contemplated just up and leaving tonight that i scared myself. it is so super hard to love and want something that YOU HAVE but it lives 500 miles away. don't get me wrong, im not giving it up, if anyting i want him more than ever. it just hurts everyday i'm not with him. every stupid love song on the radio, every happy couple i see reminds me of my perfect other half just WAITING FOR ME. if i could redo my god damn life i wouldn't have slacked off in school so I could be with him right now. i know he knows better than anyone else how bad he wants to be with me but. a;d;edanflsbf;sefbewfn i feel like crying my eyes out everynight. logic is my enemy. i feel like my heart is telling me something so strong and my forebrain is throwing logic in my face laughing at me. it was someone's cruel joke to spread us so far apart. i'm just going to bed because i'm going to make myself cry. fuck logic. fuck money. fuck standards. i want love. i want MY love. and i want it now. i want to be so happy.

dear dreams, please come true SOON.